21st Century...

21st Century... 


Our communication - Wireless


Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less !!!

Real Life Logics

  Real Life Logics


There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, start thinking logically.

APPLE - A to Z

APPLE - A to Z

A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar Ke khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaroor dil bhar gaya hoga khake itne saare apple

Some Laws.... Newton 4got 

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have
left will start to move faster than the one you are in
now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease, ur nose will begin to itch.

Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

GIRLS PSYCHOLOGY !!!

Fraud with Innocent Boys
--------- ---------------
Fun with Handsome Boys
------ ------------------
Friendship with Charming Boys
--------------- ---------------------
Contact with Intelligent Boys
------------ -------------------
Flirt with Freaky Boys
------ ------------
Love with Faithful Boys
-------- ------------
in the end
=========
Marriage with the Rich Boy

SANTA n BANTA

SANTA n BANTA mania continues

SANTA declares:

.. . . I will never marry in my life&. . .

.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. .. . . .

============ ========= ========= ========= ===



SANTA talking on cell.

BANTA: kis se baat kar raho ho.

SANTA: biwi se.....

BANTA: itne... pyar se....?

SANTA: tumhari hai. . .

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

A donkey kicked SANTA & ran away

SANTA ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it &

said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.

2.Weakness:Banta' s wife,Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
 

4.Threat:When I am on tour

============ ========= ========= =====

On Jeeto's bday

SANTA had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank

manager.

============ ========= ========= ========

teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times

SANTA: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara

============ ========= ========= ======

Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi

gya.

Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair

Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..

============ ========= ========= ========= ===

SANTA wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,

He wanted to save money so what did he do?

Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital

ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........

SANTA: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.

============ ========= ========= ========= =

SANTA aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?

SANTA: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir gaya aur mene kaha madam

jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai.....

============ ========= ========= ========= =========

SANTA enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saabâ?o

SANTA : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ====

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to SANTA: Any great man born in this

village?

SANTA: no sir, only small Babies!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==

Teacher: A for?

SANTA: Apple

Teacher: Jor se bolo?

SANTA: Jay mata di.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

American says: "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."

SANTA says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ======

When TITANIC was sinking, a man asks SANTAji, how far is LAND?

SANTA: 2kms....

Man jumps into THE sea & asks: which way?

SANTA: DOWNWARDS.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========

SANTA orders pizza.

Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?

SANTA: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =======

Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.

Santa: Who r u?

Girl: Seeta here.

Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?

Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai

jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===

Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.

When a person asked what he was doing?

He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===

SANTA n BANTA were fighting after exam.

Sir: Y r u fighting?

SANTA: This fool left the answer sheet blank,

Sir: So what?

SANTA: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both

copied.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===

SANTA: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.

BANTA: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent

my wife with him.

Newtons Laws on Love

Newtons Laws on Love

Universal law: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it
can transfer from
one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

First law: A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her
and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or
unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play
and break the legs of the boy.

Second law: The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a
boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the
boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement
of the bank balance.

Third law: The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal
and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals!

A to Z Happyness

   A to Z Happyness

 A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even ifyou have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.

B--Break
AwayBreak away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams,sorrows, and happiness with.

D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along theway.

E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.

F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappinessand grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long asyou remain dedicated to the task.

I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a smallinkling of what the future holds.

J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Tryto learn something new every day, and you'll grow.

K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. Thewarmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.

L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there'sroom for endless happiness.

M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.

N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer yourassistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.

P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.

R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that thingsalways have a way of working out in the end.

S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.

T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.

V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.

W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a secondchance.

X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see thegoodness and beauty within.

Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'llfind success at the end of the road.

Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head.Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.

Classic Definitions......

Classic Definitions......

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other (Except Me!!!) .
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master. Hmmmmm.....this is really interesting....
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage. Oooops!!
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either".
6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference room: A place where nobody talks, nobody listens everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Yawwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!
16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. ????????????....I think something wrong here....
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet" ......You are the Man!!!!
24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father: A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. This is the Fact.....
29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.......

Sardar is back

Sardar is back .............

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking.

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor.
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor he remembers I'm unmarried!
At 10th floor he remembers I'm Banta not Santa!

On a romantic date sardars girl friend asks him:
"Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?"
He said: "Sure ! What's your phone number?"


Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.


A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was laughing.
A bystander:
"Why are you laughing?"
Sardar: "I have a Air cell phone but still hutch network is following me."

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote: "Due To Rain, No Match!"

What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.


Why can't sardars dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone.


Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar: Drink quickly.
Wife: Why?
Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10


A Sardar and his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge: How'll you divide? You have three children.
Sardar: Ok! We"ll apply next year.

Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

Sardar news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 >bodies and are still digging for more.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says "Chin Yu Yan" and dies.
Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words.
It is "You are standing on the oxygen tube!"


Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
Wife: What you are doing?
Sardar: I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

 

Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchnge in the lower berth.


A Sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form he had gone to Delhi for filling it up.
You know why?
Form said:
"Fill Up In Capital.".


Sardar had twins. He named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins and named them Peter and Repeater.
Again twins and named them Max and Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted sardar named them Tired & Retired.


Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.
Why? Because his doctor advised him:
"Today's dinner should be light !"


Sardar and Family go to a party.
He introduces himself "I Sardar, she Sardarnee, the boy my Kid and the girl my Kidney".

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind. MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinkedSANTA SINGH: Its Loose MotionINTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !! 

 

A Sardar was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle,
why ?
Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but
also
its beginning !

Sardar returns book to library, bangs it on table & says - What a shit
?
"I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all" ?.
Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory....

Sardar car ki battery change karwane gaya ...
Mechanic - Sahab, Exide ki daal doon ?
Sardar - Nahin yaar, dono side ki daal de, warna phir problem hogi.

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question
-Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?
Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether it is working.
He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES

 

Air travel of Sardarji
One Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.
But as soon as the Sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.
After some time the old lady came and requested the Sardarji to leave the side seat.
But the Sardaji told, "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave".
The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess
requested the Sardarji to leave that seat but Sardarji did not leave.
Then the air hostess went and told the asst. captain. He also came and requested, but in vain.
Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the
Sardarji and the Sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to
the middle seat.
Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. captain asked the captain afterwards what he told to the Sardarji?
Captain told, "nothing… I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh and all others will go to Jalandhar."

Hope..... You will like it...!!!!

Hope..... You will  like it...!!!!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Wives (Joke)

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

Man: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the
time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

He Wrote & She Wrote

He Wrote & She Wrote

A shy under educated guy was deeply in love with a pretty girl, but did
not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to give it a go,
and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote her a letter of proposal.

HE WROTE:

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation,
I have strong inclination to become your relation. As to my educational
qualification,
it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation
examination - no doubt, without any hesitation, and very little
preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage
celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and
with a view to the expansion of the population of the present generation.
On your approbation of the application, alongwith my photo for your
appreciation, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if
such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our augmentation
of the joy and the exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking
you in anticipation and with devotion,I remain a victim of your fascination.

SHE WROTE BACK:

Dear Mr. Victim of My Fascination,
Congratulations !! for your lengthy narration which is full of affection
and aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your
matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a
long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an
application by acquisition of post graduation as minimum qualification for
the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation
undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following
conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a
victim of any other fascination.
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I remain,
Unaffected by ur fascination

TEAM Leader

Three Parrots

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000,
responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of
your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an
expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's
specialty was.

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "Team Leader "!!

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet, that liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

Interview from M.P

Interview from M.P


[b]officer----- --------- --------- --------- ---what Is Your Name ?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --m P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----tell Me Properly


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --mohan Pal Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----your Father's Name ?



Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----what Dose That Mean ?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---manmohan Pal Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----your Native Place


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----is It Madhya Pradesh ?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---no, Munnur Pal Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----what Is Your Qualification ?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----(angrily) What Is It ?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- -- Metric Pass


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----why Do You Need A Job ?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --m P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----and What Dose That Mean?


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --money Problem Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ---describe Your Personality


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- -m P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --explain Yourself Clearly


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------magnanim Ous Personality Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -this Discussion Is Nowhere, You
May Go Now


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- M P. Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -what Is It Now


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- My Performance. ...?


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --m P!!!!


Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- What Is That Sir


Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --mentally Punctured [/b]

Hyderabad CONVERSATION( Contains some Abusing Words)

Hyderabad CONVERSATION( Contains some Abusing Words)

In Hyderabad we have our own little Johnny. His name

is Chotu. His father is ambitious to educate Chotu.

Chotu goes to school located in Tappachaputra. Its

principal is educated in Urdu high school and claims

that he passed tenth class!

There is a school inspection thenext day and the

conversation is as follows :



Teacher: Kal inispector ayinga. Kochchanaa

(questions) puchinga. Sab

achchaa padkey aau. Koi galath answer deengaa naa

tho main uske pairaan thodtoon.



Chotu: Iski maakki. Kyun aara inispector? Kaam nai

hai usku? Kya

kochchanaa puchta kathey?



Teacher: Abey tereku kaiku re, tu kal school

aanaaich nai. Tu tera moo

khola to gaaliaan nikaltay. Tereku main absent nai

daalthaun. Ghar pe baithkey gotiyaan khel. Tu

school aayingaa to inispector ke saamney mere izzat

ki biryaani karke khaaingaa tu.



So our Chotu is excited, goes home and tells his

father that he is not

going to school the next day.



Father: Yeah kyaa hai..ischool hai paan dabba hai?

Gaand pay maartoon

saale tu ischool nai gaya to.



Chotu: Arey Bava, mera teacher bola nakko aao bolke.



Father: Usku akhal hai! Begum suno! Chotu ischool

nai jayinga kathey kal. Agar ino ischool nai gaya to

kaise padhinga?

Chotu, agar tu kal ischool nahin gaya naa, tere

haathan pairaan thod

daaltaun.



So Chotu cries and finally agrees to go to school.

Next day at inschool,



Teacher is very upset to see Chotu back:



Teacher: Arey teri maakki. Nakko aao bole to bhi

kyun aaya re?



Chotu: Mera bava gaand phodtaon bola ischool nai

gaya to.



Teacher: offo?! Tera bava bola? Theek hai chal. Last

bench pe baith aur

inispector aya to chup jaa. Dikhnaich nai. Kuch bhi

gadbad karinga naa meri noukri gaand lag jayingi.



So Chotu goes to sit in the last bench hiding behind

a tall guy.

Inspector comes for the visit.



Inspector: Adaab.



Teacher: Adaab saab. Bachen acha padrain saab.

Kochchanaa puchey to answeraan yun bolte.



Inspector: Abaa? Offo! Ithney kilever(clever) hai

aapke bachchey? Achchaa, ek bahuth easy sawaal -

Hamarey body mein sab se nazook cheez kaun si hai?



Teacher: Arey Imtiyaz tu bata rey!



Imtiyaz: Saab, Kaleja saab..



Inspector: Aisa! ...... woh kyun?



Imtiyaz: Saab, kaleja hai to sab kuch hota. Agar woh

gaya naa, kuch bhi nahin hota saab.



Inspector: Abaa, kya tez potta hai rey! Aur koi?



Teacher: Arey Akram, tu bata re.



Akram: Saab bheja saab. Bhejey ku khuch bhi hua to

kuch yaad nahin rehta saab. Haathaan pairaan kaam

nai karthey,iscooter ku kick bhi nai maar sakthey

saab.



Inspector: Abey Teacher, kya kya padaaraa re inku

tu. Chutiye ke jaiseich answeraan bolrai naa!!



In the meantime Chotu is trying very hard to hide

but Inspector sees him. He thinks Chotu is hiding

because he does not know the answer.



Inspector: Woh last bench pe yun jhuk ke baithaa naa

woh pottey ka naam kya hai?



Teacher: kaun saab? .......Woh! (iski bhain ku,

kaiku dikhaa re tu) Woh Chotu hai saab.



Inspector: Chotu? Ye kya naam hai? Kahan-kahan se

lagaathey re bhai

naamaan! Chotu, woh lambu ke peechchey kaiku chchup

raa tu?



Chotu: Saab main moo khola to teacher maaringi saab.



Inspector: Tereku yaa mereku??



Teacher: Arey kya baath kar reh saab, main kaiku

maarthaum aapku. Ye

potta ekdam badmaash hai saab, jhoot bolraa. Abey

Chotu, answer maloom hain to bol nai tho khaamoosh

baith jaa mere baap tere pau padthaum.



Chotu: Saab answer Gaand hai saab.



Teacher: Allah!! Ino moo khola to meri gaand lag

gayi re!!!



Inspector: Abey kyaa to bhi bolra re! Sharam kar

badon ke saamney aisaich baathaan karthey! Yeich

sikhaaye tumhaarey amma-bavaa? Gaand kahaan kaa

answer hai re?



Chotu: Hau saab, gaand ich sabse naazook cheez hai.

Kaiku boletho wahaan pe dilli mein baamb

phata....Yahan Hydrabad mein apni gaand phat

thi....Yahaan old city mein gadbadaan shuru

hothey....wahaan new city mein sabki gaand phat thi

gadbadaan wahaan phailtey kyaaki bolkey. Uttaa kyoon

saab,main yeh answer bolraun naa, mere teacher kigaand phatrai dekho!

Funny

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO ! "!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !


************ *****

TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!


************ *****


TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


************ *****


TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...

TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


************ *****


TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of " COINCIDENCE?"

PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."


************ *****


TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"


************ *****


PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?


************ *****

TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !

PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.


************ *****

TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?

PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to , my mom is a good cook.


************ *****


TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his ?

PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !


************ ****

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PAPPU: A teacher


************ ****

Wrong E-mail Address

Wrong E-mail Address

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because
of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

MODERN BRIDE'S SPEECH

MODERN BRIDE'S SPEECH

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said. Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

Bride replied, "Dad, what I mean is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!"

Hehehehehe.. .. ) ) )

Only In the UK - Believe it or not

Only In the UK - Believe it or not

3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 people were injured not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 were injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 people had serious burns in trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive people Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

2000 people Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

An a MONKEY is reading this above all!!!!!!!
ha ha ha
thanks for reading this.