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Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid
and, if so, to please stand.
Little Jimmy stood up, alone.
Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
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TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
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A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw
God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained,
"Every good design needs a rough draft!!"
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There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'
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A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
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"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
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There are several types of doctors, and it's said they can be differentiated by the following method:
General practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
...and then we have Shrinks who cure dreams...or dream cures.
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"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
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A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury two men there?'
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One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."
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The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
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A middle-aged man took his car to an auto shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped. "Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup."
The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference is my bill includes the checkup and the replacement of worn out parts!"
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Policeman: Here is your parking ticket.
Woman: And just what do you do when you catch a real criminal?
Policeman: I don't know..all I ever catch are the innocent ones.
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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
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An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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The computer revolution has really changed the way we do business. Rather than bothering with elaborate excuses we just say, "the computer's down."
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"What I don't understand is, if the computer is so damn clever, how come it gets blamed for all the mistakes?"
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"How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Eight. One to analyze the problem, one to write the program, one to understand and debug the program, one to carry out the instructions and four to write the documentation."
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Motherboard: The main circuit board responsible for checking that all other circuit boards are eating properly and wearing clean underwear.
Hardware: The part of the computer that makes a noise when you throw it out of the window.
Bits: The things scattered on the floor after you drop your computer down the stairs.
Hard Drive: A car with no engine
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