He Wrote & She Wrote
A shy under educated guy was deeply in love with a pretty girl, but did
not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to give it a go,
and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote her a letter of proposal.
HE WROTE:
Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation,
I have strong inclination to become your relation. As to my educational
qualification,
it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation
examination - no doubt, without any hesitation, and very little
preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage
celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and
with a view to the expansion of the population of the present generation.
On your approbation of the application, alongwith my photo for your
appreciation, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if
such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our augmentation
of the joy and the exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking
you in anticipation and with devotion,I remain a victim of your fascination.
SHE WROTE BACK:
Dear Mr. Victim of My Fascination,
Congratulations !! for your lengthy narration which is full of affection
and aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your
matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a
long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an
application by acquisition of post graduation as minimum qualification for
the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation
undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following
conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a
victim of any other fascination.
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.
I remain,
Unaffected by ur fascination
Sunday, July 11, 2010
TEAM Leader
Three Parrots
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000,
responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of
your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an
expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's
specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "Team Leader "!!
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000,
responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of
your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an
expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's
specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "Team Leader "!!
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet, that liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet, that liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Interview from M.P
Interview from M.P
[b]officer----- --------- --------- --------- ---what Is Your Name ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----tell Me Properly
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --mohan Pal Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----your Father's Name ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----what Dose That Mean ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---manmohan Pal Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----your Native Place
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---no, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----what Is Your Qualification ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----(angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- -- Metric Pass
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----and What Dose That Mean?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --money Problem Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ---describe Your Personality
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- -m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------magnanim Ous Personality Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -this Discussion Is Nowhere, You
May Go Now
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- M P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -what Is It Now
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- My Performance. ...?
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --m P!!!!
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- What Is That Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --mentally Punctured [/b]
[b]officer----- --------- --------- --------- ---what Is Your Name ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----tell Me Properly
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --mohan Pal Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----your Father's Name ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----what Dose That Mean ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---manmohan Pal Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----your Native Place
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---no, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -----what Is Your Qualification ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- ---m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----(angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- -- Metric Pass
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ----and What Dose That Mean?
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- --money Problem Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- ---describe Your Personality
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- -m P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------magnanim Ous Personality Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -this Discussion Is Nowhere, You
May Go Now
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- M P. Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- -what Is It Now
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- My Performance. ...?
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --m P!!!!
Candidate--- --------- --------- --------- What Is That Sir
Officer----- --------- --------- --------- --mentally Punctured [/b]
Hyderabad CONVERSATION( Contains some Abusing Words)
Hyderabad CONVERSATION( Contains some Abusing Words)
In Hyderabad we have our own little Johnny. His name
is Chotu. His father is ambitious to educate Chotu.
Chotu goes to school located in Tappachaputra. Its
principal is educated in Urdu high school and claims
that he passed tenth class!
There is a school inspection thenext day and the
conversation is as follows :
Teacher: Kal inispector ayinga. Kochchanaa
(questions) puchinga. Sab
achchaa padkey aau. Koi galath answer deengaa naa
tho main uske pairaan thodtoon.
Chotu: Iski maakki. Kyun aara inispector? Kaam nai
hai usku? Kya
kochchanaa puchta kathey?
Teacher: Abey tereku kaiku re, tu kal school
aanaaich nai. Tu tera moo
khola to gaaliaan nikaltay. Tereku main absent nai
daalthaun. Ghar pe baithkey gotiyaan khel. Tu
school aayingaa to inispector ke saamney mere izzat
ki biryaani karke khaaingaa tu.
So our Chotu is excited, goes home and tells his
father that he is not
going to school the next day.
Father: Yeah kyaa hai..ischool hai paan dabba hai?
Gaand pay maartoon
saale tu ischool nai gaya to.
Chotu: Arey Bava, mera teacher bola nakko aao bolke.
Father: Usku akhal hai! Begum suno! Chotu ischool
nai jayinga kathey kal. Agar ino ischool nai gaya to
kaise padhinga?
Chotu, agar tu kal ischool nahin gaya naa, tere
haathan pairaan thod
daaltaun.
So Chotu cries and finally agrees to go to school.
Next day at inschool,
Teacher is very upset to see Chotu back:
Teacher: Arey teri maakki. Nakko aao bole to bhi
kyun aaya re?
Chotu: Mera bava gaand phodtaon bola ischool nai
gaya to.
Teacher: offo?! Tera bava bola? Theek hai chal. Last
bench pe baith aur
inispector aya to chup jaa. Dikhnaich nai. Kuch bhi
gadbad karinga naa meri noukri gaand lag jayingi.
So Chotu goes to sit in the last bench hiding behind
a tall guy.
Inspector comes for the visit.
Inspector: Adaab.
Teacher: Adaab saab. Bachen acha padrain saab.
Kochchanaa puchey to answeraan yun bolte.
Inspector: Abaa? Offo! Ithney kilever(clever) hai
aapke bachchey? Achchaa, ek bahuth easy sawaal -
Hamarey body mein sab se nazook cheez kaun si hai?
Teacher: Arey Imtiyaz tu bata rey!
Imtiyaz: Saab, Kaleja saab..
Inspector: Aisa! ...... woh kyun?
Imtiyaz: Saab, kaleja hai to sab kuch hota. Agar woh
gaya naa, kuch bhi nahin hota saab.
Inspector: Abaa, kya tez potta hai rey! Aur koi?
Teacher: Arey Akram, tu bata re.
Akram: Saab bheja saab. Bhejey ku khuch bhi hua to
kuch yaad nahin rehta saab. Haathaan pairaan kaam
nai karthey,iscooter ku kick bhi nai maar sakthey
saab.
Inspector: Abey Teacher, kya kya padaaraa re inku
tu. Chutiye ke jaiseich answeraan bolrai naa!!
In the meantime Chotu is trying very hard to hide
but Inspector sees him. He thinks Chotu is hiding
because he does not know the answer.
Inspector: Woh last bench pe yun jhuk ke baithaa naa
woh pottey ka naam kya hai?
Teacher: kaun saab? .......Woh! (iski bhain ku,
kaiku dikhaa re tu) Woh Chotu hai saab.
Inspector: Chotu? Ye kya naam hai? Kahan-kahan se
lagaathey re bhai
naamaan! Chotu, woh lambu ke peechchey kaiku chchup
raa tu?
Chotu: Saab main moo khola to teacher maaringi saab.
Inspector: Tereku yaa mereku??
Teacher: Arey kya baath kar reh saab, main kaiku
maarthaum aapku. Ye
potta ekdam badmaash hai saab, jhoot bolraa. Abey
Chotu, answer maloom hain to bol nai tho khaamoosh
baith jaa mere baap tere pau padthaum.
Chotu: Saab answer Gaand hai saab.
Teacher: Allah!! Ino moo khola to meri gaand lag
gayi re!!!
Inspector: Abey kyaa to bhi bolra re! Sharam kar
badon ke saamney aisaich baathaan karthey! Yeich
sikhaaye tumhaarey amma-bavaa? Gaand kahaan kaa
answer hai re?
Chotu: Hau saab, gaand ich sabse naazook cheez hai.
Kaiku boletho wahaan pe dilli mein baamb
phata....Yahan Hydrabad mein apni gaand phat
thi....Yahaan old city mein gadbadaan shuru
hothey....wahaan new city mein sabki gaand phat thi
gadbadaan wahaan phailtey kyaaki bolkey. Uttaa kyoon
saab,main yeh answer bolraun naa, mere teacher kigaand phatrai dekho!
In Hyderabad we have our own little Johnny. His name
is Chotu. His father is ambitious to educate Chotu.
Chotu goes to school located in Tappachaputra. Its
principal is educated in Urdu high school and claims
that he passed tenth class!
There is a school inspection thenext day and the
conversation is as follows :
Teacher: Kal inispector ayinga. Kochchanaa
(questions) puchinga. Sab
achchaa padkey aau. Koi galath answer deengaa naa
tho main uske pairaan thodtoon.
Chotu: Iski maakki. Kyun aara inispector? Kaam nai
hai usku? Kya
kochchanaa puchta kathey?
Teacher: Abey tereku kaiku re, tu kal school
aanaaich nai. Tu tera moo
khola to gaaliaan nikaltay. Tereku main absent nai
daalthaun. Ghar pe baithkey gotiyaan khel. Tu
school aayingaa to inispector ke saamney mere izzat
ki biryaani karke khaaingaa tu.
So our Chotu is excited, goes home and tells his
father that he is not
going to school the next day.
Father: Yeah kyaa hai..ischool hai paan dabba hai?
Gaand pay maartoon
saale tu ischool nai gaya to.
Chotu: Arey Bava, mera teacher bola nakko aao bolke.
Father: Usku akhal hai! Begum suno! Chotu ischool
nai jayinga kathey kal. Agar ino ischool nai gaya to
kaise padhinga?
Chotu, agar tu kal ischool nahin gaya naa, tere
haathan pairaan thod
daaltaun.
So Chotu cries and finally agrees to go to school.
Next day at inschool,
Teacher is very upset to see Chotu back:
Teacher: Arey teri maakki. Nakko aao bole to bhi
kyun aaya re?
Chotu: Mera bava gaand phodtaon bola ischool nai
gaya to.
Teacher: offo?! Tera bava bola? Theek hai chal. Last
bench pe baith aur
inispector aya to chup jaa. Dikhnaich nai. Kuch bhi
gadbad karinga naa meri noukri gaand lag jayingi.
So Chotu goes to sit in the last bench hiding behind
a tall guy.
Inspector comes for the visit.
Inspector: Adaab.
Teacher: Adaab saab. Bachen acha padrain saab.
Kochchanaa puchey to answeraan yun bolte.
Inspector: Abaa? Offo! Ithney kilever(clever) hai
aapke bachchey? Achchaa, ek bahuth easy sawaal -
Hamarey body mein sab se nazook cheez kaun si hai?
Teacher: Arey Imtiyaz tu bata rey!
Imtiyaz: Saab, Kaleja saab..
Inspector: Aisa! ...... woh kyun?
Imtiyaz: Saab, kaleja hai to sab kuch hota. Agar woh
gaya naa, kuch bhi nahin hota saab.
Inspector: Abaa, kya tez potta hai rey! Aur koi?
Teacher: Arey Akram, tu bata re.
Akram: Saab bheja saab. Bhejey ku khuch bhi hua to
kuch yaad nahin rehta saab. Haathaan pairaan kaam
nai karthey,iscooter ku kick bhi nai maar sakthey
saab.
Inspector: Abey Teacher, kya kya padaaraa re inku
tu. Chutiye ke jaiseich answeraan bolrai naa!!
In the meantime Chotu is trying very hard to hide
but Inspector sees him. He thinks Chotu is hiding
because he does not know the answer.
Inspector: Woh last bench pe yun jhuk ke baithaa naa
woh pottey ka naam kya hai?
Teacher: kaun saab? .......Woh! (iski bhain ku,
kaiku dikhaa re tu) Woh Chotu hai saab.
Inspector: Chotu? Ye kya naam hai? Kahan-kahan se
lagaathey re bhai
naamaan! Chotu, woh lambu ke peechchey kaiku chchup
raa tu?
Chotu: Saab main moo khola to teacher maaringi saab.
Inspector: Tereku yaa mereku??
Teacher: Arey kya baath kar reh saab, main kaiku
maarthaum aapku. Ye
potta ekdam badmaash hai saab, jhoot bolraa. Abey
Chotu, answer maloom hain to bol nai tho khaamoosh
baith jaa mere baap tere pau padthaum.
Chotu: Saab answer Gaand hai saab.
Teacher: Allah!! Ino moo khola to meri gaand lag
gayi re!!!
Inspector: Abey kyaa to bhi bolra re! Sharam kar
badon ke saamney aisaich baathaan karthey! Yeich
sikhaaye tumhaarey amma-bavaa? Gaand kahaan kaa
answer hai re?
Chotu: Hau saab, gaand ich sabse naazook cheez hai.
Kaiku boletho wahaan pe dilli mein baamb
phata....Yahan Hydrabad mein apni gaand phat
thi....Yahaan old city mein gadbadaan shuru
hothey....wahaan new city mein sabki gaand phat thi
gadbadaan wahaan phailtey kyaaki bolkey. Uttaa kyoon
saab,main yeh answer bolraun naa, mere teacher kigaand phatrai dekho!
Funny
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO ! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
************ *****
TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of " COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
************ *****
TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
************ *****
PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
************ *****
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
************ *****
TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to , my mom is a good cook.
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !
************ ****
TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher
************ ****
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO ! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
************ *****
TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of " COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
************ *****
TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
************ *****
PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
************ *****
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
************ *****
TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to , my mom is a good cook.
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !
************ ****
TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher
************ ****
Wrong E-mail Address
Wrong E-mail Address
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because
of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because
of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
MODERN BRIDE'S SPEECH
MODERN BRIDE'S SPEECH
A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:
"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said. Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.
Bride replied, "Dad, what I mean is:
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!"
Hehehehehe.. .. ) ) )
A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:
"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said. Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.
Bride replied, "Dad, what I mean is:
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!"
Hehehehehe.. .. ) ) )
Only In the UK - Believe it or not
Only In the UK - Believe it or not
3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 people were injured not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 were injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 people had serious burns in trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive people Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
2000 people Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
An a MONKEY is reading this above all!!!!!!!
ha ha ha
thanks for reading this.
3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 people were injured not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 were injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 people had serious burns in trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive people Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
2000 people Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
An a MONKEY is reading this above all!!!!!!!
ha ha ha
thanks for reading this.
Greetings SMS
Delay is the enemy of efficiency, and waiting is the enemy of
utilization. So... don't delay anything and don't wait for anything.
Dud Day!
• When you want to enjoy life, think today as your life's First day.
When you want to achieve something in life, think today as your life's
Last day. Have a Gr8 Day!
• Success is like a beautiful girl it will leave us at any time, but
failure is like a mother it will teach us some important lessons of
life. Gud Day!
• Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the
end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow. Gud Night!
• Morning is not only a surprise but a beautiful miracle of God that
defeats the darkness and spreads the light. May this be a beautiful
day. Gud Morning.
• If life is a game, I wish you to win. If life is a journey, I wish
you to walk on roses. If life is a joy, I wish you to always smile.
Have a great & successful day.
• Since your eyes are looking tired, let your eye lashes hug each other for few hours. Happy journey into the world of dreams.
Gud Night and Sweet Dreams.
• We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is
something to be enthusiastic about. Gud Day!
• Wrap a rainbow of joy in ur heart, let the sun paint a smile on ur
face, remove all clouds of doubt & fear and receive God's Gift of
Life. Good Morning.
• Smile in pleasure... Smile in pain... Smile when trouble pours like
rain... Smile when someone hurts u... Smile coz someone still loves to
see u Smilinig.
utilization. So... don't delay anything and don't wait for anything.
Dud Day!
• When you want to enjoy life, think today as your life's First day.
When you want to achieve something in life, think today as your life's
Last day. Have a Gr8 Day!
• Success is like a beautiful girl it will leave us at any time, but
failure is like a mother it will teach us some important lessons of
life. Gud Day!
• Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the
end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow. Gud Night!
• Morning is not only a surprise but a beautiful miracle of God that
defeats the darkness and spreads the light. May this be a beautiful
day. Gud Morning.
• If life is a game, I wish you to win. If life is a journey, I wish
you to walk on roses. If life is a joy, I wish you to always smile.
Have a great & successful day.
• Since your eyes are looking tired, let your eye lashes hug each other for few hours. Happy journey into the world of dreams.
Gud Night and Sweet Dreams.
• We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is
something to be enthusiastic about. Gud Day!
• Wrap a rainbow of joy in ur heart, let the sun paint a smile on ur
face, remove all clouds of doubt & fear and receive God's Gift of
Life. Good Morning.
• Smile in pleasure... Smile in pain... Smile when trouble pours like
rain... Smile when someone hurts u... Smile coz someone still loves to
see u Smilinig.
K.I.S.S. (Keep It Secret, Stupid)
K.I.S.S. (Keep It Secret, Stupid)
A gasp for breath, a single tear
There's always trouble when we are near
I won't say what you want to hear
So I'm the one you want to fear
I catch your eye, I see you fight
You badly want me out of your sight
How does it feel, that pang of fright
That deep inside, you know I'm right
I know, I know, it won't be light
You know, you know, you know I'm right
Go close your eyes, keep lips sealed tight
You know, you know, you know
Try to argue, try to fight it
You're in love now, try to hide it
Keep it secret, keep it quiet
You're in love now, try to hide it
That word you fear, that thought you dread
When you can't get me out of your head
Should you at last come clean instead
Or leave the world signs to be read
I'll save you time, I know it's true
Somehow, I always thought I knew
I fought the same when I got a clue
And so you know, I love you too
What can, what can, what can I do
I love, I love, I love you too
We might be saved, we might be screwed
I love, I love, I love
Try to argue, try to fight it
I'm in love now, try to hide it
Is it secret, is it quiet?
I'm in love now, how to hide it
Look at you now
Thinking you were fooling me
Look at you prowl
Thinking you were fooling me
This is so cruel
Thinking you were fooling me
You're such a fool
Thinking you were fooling me
How long will it be, how long to wait
Until we push eachother to hate?
Our time will come, it won't be late
How much more 'til we suffocate?
Just one more breath, for one last song
Stay with me through this, please be strong
We're not all right, I'm glad we're wrong
I now can say, I knew all along
Ring all the bells and sound the gong
I knew, I knew, I knew all along
We're so alike, we're both so wrong
I knew, I knew, I knew
Should we argue, should we fight it?
We're in love now, how to hide it?
It's no secret, it's not quiet
We're in love now, we can't hide it
A gasp for breath, a single tear
There's always trouble when we are near
I won't say what you want to hear
So I'm the one you want to fear
I catch your eye, I see you fight
You badly want me out of your sight
How does it feel, that pang of fright
That deep inside, you know I'm right
I know, I know, it won't be light
You know, you know, you know I'm right
Go close your eyes, keep lips sealed tight
You know, you know, you know
Try to argue, try to fight it
You're in love now, try to hide it
Keep it secret, keep it quiet
You're in love now, try to hide it
That word you fear, that thought you dread
When you can't get me out of your head
Should you at last come clean instead
Or leave the world signs to be read
I'll save you time, I know it's true
Somehow, I always thought I knew
I fought the same when I got a clue
And so you know, I love you too
What can, what can, what can I do
I love, I love, I love you too
We might be saved, we might be screwed
I love, I love, I love
Try to argue, try to fight it
I'm in love now, try to hide it
Is it secret, is it quiet?
I'm in love now, how to hide it
Look at you now
Thinking you were fooling me
Look at you prowl
Thinking you were fooling me
This is so cruel
Thinking you were fooling me
You're such a fool
Thinking you were fooling me
How long will it be, how long to wait
Until we push eachother to hate?
Our time will come, it won't be late
How much more 'til we suffocate?
Just one more breath, for one last song
Stay with me through this, please be strong
We're not all right, I'm glad we're wrong
I now can say, I knew all along
Ring all the bells and sound the gong
I knew, I knew, I knew all along
We're so alike, we're both so wrong
I knew, I knew, I knew
Should we argue, should we fight it?
We're in love now, how to hide it?
It's no secret, it's not quiet
We're in love now, we can't hide it
LOVE SMS
• When I'm away from u, I'm still with u. When my eyes are closed, I
could still c u. When I'm awake, I still dream of u. When I feel I have
everything, I still need u & no matter what, I'll always luv u.
• Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been
disappointed; to those who still believe even though they've been
betrayed; to those who still need love even though they've been hurt
before.
• I don't know why I'm so afraid to lose u when u r not even mine. I
don't know why I luv u so when u don't even luv me. I don't know why u
r the one when I'm just a someone to u.
• As I feel the tear go down my cheek,
I notice that my heart is weak,
For the love I have for you,
Will always be gold and true,
I have made some mistakes, they rest in the past,
But know my love will always last,
Even though we are a distance apart,
You always have the key to my heart.
• A person who truly loves you and knows you is someone who still sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believe
the smile on your face.
• Where words fail, action speaks. Where action fails, eyes speak.
Where eyes fail, tears speak. And where everything fails, LOVE SPEAKS!
• To love is a duty and right. To be loved is a gift and luck. To love
someone who loves u is an achievement. To be loved by someone whom u
love is LIFE!
• U r the reason I wake up in the morning, u r the reason I find a way
to smile, u r the person who can change everything around when it's
going bad. Luv U
• Love ur life coz life is a long journey to go. Life is a game yet to
be played more. Life is a question yet to be answered more. Life is a
challenge yet to be faced more. So live ur life as long as u can. Every
moment is lovable in life.
• Luv is what I see in ur smile. Luv is what I feel in every touch u
give. Luv is what I hear in every word u say. Luv is what we share
everyday. Luv U!
could still c u. When I'm awake, I still dream of u. When I feel I have
everything, I still need u & no matter what, I'll always luv u.
• Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been
disappointed; to those who still believe even though they've been
betrayed; to those who still need love even though they've been hurt
before.
• I don't know why I'm so afraid to lose u when u r not even mine. I
don't know why I luv u so when u don't even luv me. I don't know why u
r the one when I'm just a someone to u.
• As I feel the tear go down my cheek,
I notice that my heart is weak,
For the love I have for you,
Will always be gold and true,
I have made some mistakes, they rest in the past,
But know my love will always last,
Even though we are a distance apart,
You always have the key to my heart.
• A person who truly loves you and knows you is someone who still sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believe
the smile on your face.
• Where words fail, action speaks. Where action fails, eyes speak.
Where eyes fail, tears speak. And where everything fails, LOVE SPEAKS!
• To love is a duty and right. To be loved is a gift and luck. To love
someone who loves u is an achievement. To be loved by someone whom u
love is LIFE!
• U r the reason I wake up in the morning, u r the reason I find a way
to smile, u r the person who can change everything around when it's
going bad. Luv U
• Love ur life coz life is a long journey to go. Life is a game yet to
be played more. Life is a question yet to be answered more. Life is a
challenge yet to be faced more. So live ur life as long as u can. Every
moment is lovable in life.
• Luv is what I see in ur smile. Luv is what I feel in every touch u
give. Luv is what I hear in every word u say. Luv is what we share
everyday. Luv U!
Funny SMS
Expecting
the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting
the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian!
• If I was a painter, u would be my painting. If I was an author, you
would be my story. If I was a poet, you would be my poem. But
unfortunately I am a psychiatrist.
• Hi, keep messaging me and win exciting prizes:
3rd Prize: Lots of Luv.
2nd Prize:Longlasting friendship.
1st Priz: Free stay for Lifetime in my heart.
• No matter how high the sky is, how deep the ocean is, how strong the
wind is, how wide the river is, I just wanna tell u... it's none of ur
business.
• Ladies....it is okay to wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
• Well, they do say opposite attracts... So I sincerely 'hope' you meet
somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cuultured.
• A teenage boy to his father: Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school.
• In order to get 100/100 in life, a man requires 100% talent, whereas
a woman requires only 4% talent & the remaining is only 36-24-36
• Miss U Miss U sab kahein, par actually miss kare na koi. Agar koi kisiko miss kare to fir SMS band kyun hoye!
• A Law Professor asks a Student: Which is the most imp LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?
The Student replies: Father-in-Law
A motorist hit a sparrow. He took d unconscious bird, put in cage with bread & water.
Bird wakes up, luks around & screams: Salakhen! My God! I've killed the motorist.
• M_rkh, St_pid, B_dh_, D_ffer, Bewak_f, Ghoch _, _ll_, Bhondu_, dekha... Everything is incomplete without ‘U’
• As u face a brand new day, bow ur head & say this prayer: Thank u
Lord for having this amazingly gud luking sender. May his smartness
increases everyday.
• A good friend comes 2 visit u in the hospital with flowers n goes.
A True friend sits near u n says: O yaar, nurse bahut sunder hai... aaram se theek hona!
• Q: Where do Indian batsmen perform their best?
A: In advertisements.
• Q: What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
A: 3 runs in 3 balls.
• Q: What is the height of optimism?
A: Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.
• What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.
• Someone has kidnapped the Indian cricket team and demanded Rs 50
crore or else he would burn them with kerosene. Please donate. I have
already donated 25 litres.
• Feeling bored? Wondering, what to do? Open the zip! Enter your hands
in between your zip... take out your... book from your bag and study!
Wat
a RIP OFF! I saw a book in the store titled: 37 Mating Positions. I
took it home, sat in my room,opend it. Damn it...It was a book on CHESS!
• Today if anyone praises U for ur beauty, nature, style, attitude... kick them... How dare they fool U before APRIL 1st.
• Aisa hai pyar humara, main kishti tu kinara, mai dhanush tu teer mai
matar tu paneer, mai barish tu badal, mai rajmah tu chawal, mai hot tu
cool, main April tu Fool...ha ha ha!!
• Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,
I know this is too much for u, so here is a shortcut - Just think about
ME!
• Do u remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the
window, u put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'
• Tip to reduce alcohol consumption: Before marriage drink only on the
days when u r sad, after marriage drink only on days when u r Happy!
• Yamraj ne ek ladke ki jaan le li. Chitragupt- Is ko waqt se pehle kyon mara?
Yumraj: Kya karun, March end mein target jo pura karna tha.
• Kunwaro se log puchte hai ki tumhari ab tak shaadi kyon nahi huye?
Kunware bhi jor se kahte hai: Jaako rakhe sayeean mar sake na koi.
• Boy: Ki mein tera hath chum sakda han"
Girl: Kyon Haramjadeya mere bullan te koi kande lagge ne ?
• Telling a lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor and a Matter of Survival for
a married man. Gud Luck!
Dear
reciever, I'm a Blonde Virus. I'm not so advanced, so pls delete all ur
files urself and also help me to spread by sending to all. Thank U !
• Ladkewaale: Ladki ka naam kya hai?
Ladkiwaale: Hamari pyari, aapki pyaari sabki pyari, Rampyari. Ladke ka naam kya hai.
Ladkewale: Hamara Gu, aapka Gu, ham sabka gu JAGGU
• Log kehte hain ki khuda ne aapko badi fursat mein banaaya hai...
Theek hi kehte hain, faltoo kaam fursat mein hi to kiye jaate hain.
• Colour of ur underwear reflects ur mood:
Red: Wild
Black: Sexy
Blue: Romantic
Pink: Seductive
White: Calm
Yellow: Time to change it...
• Everyday same wishes! Are U bored of it? Let it be difft this time:
Let the devils sing around U, Mummies dance around u, Vampires sit
beside U. Have a horrible day!
• Ek c Raja...
Ek c Rani...
Dono mar gaye khatam kahani.
.
.
.
.
.
Na thalle hun ki dead body labni hai?
• Meaning of ABCDEFG : A Boy Can Do Everything For Girls.
Reverse the letters GFEDCBA
Girls Forget Everything Done & Catch new Bakra Again
• Kabhi ye mat socho tumhare gf/bf ya wife/hubby ne tumhe kitna
romantic msg bheja hai, sirf yeh socho ke Use kisne bheja hoga ?
• Height of Kanjoosi: A Bania's house has caught fire & he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade!
• A Baniya walking on the road suddenly bent & touched d road n
said furiously: 'Loki thuk vi aewein sutde ne jiven Rupeya peya hove!'
A
foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her
that she looks extremely beautiful when her lips r closed !
• What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Nice Belt
• Saif: My dil goes hmmmmmm...! My dil goes hmmmmmmm....! My dil goes mmmmmmMMm......!! My dil goes mmmmmmm.....!
Javed Jafri: Is this da dils or da makhis...?
• Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Gal: Tum aisi-vaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Gal: To phir rehne do...
• A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce hua tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur ab 3 kaise?
She says: Woh kabhi kabhi maafi mangne aa jate the...
• Tumhari Girl friend ka sms mila hai kahti hai koi patthar se na maare
mere deewana ko twenty first century hai bomb se uda do saale ko.
• Tabiyat thik nahi thi. Tantrik ko dikhaya, Tantrik bola bhoot ka saya
hai, kisi ghor paapi ko SMS karo theek ho jaoge... Ab accha mahsus kar
raha hoon.
• Javed Jaffery proposing a girl: Hi, the babes, here is mys parpoz,
with this d reds rose. Plz don’t u d rejects my parpoz b'coz I don’t
parpoz d ROZ ROZ!
• If U Don’t Eat Junk food, Don’t Smoke, Don’t Drink, Don't Have boy Friend/Gal Friend, Don't Play Cards, No Late Nights;
Then Visit Our site: www.PaidaKyunHuethe.com
• Another Moon?... Possible
Another Sun?... Possible
Another Sky?... Possible
Another person Like U?... Impossible
'Coz God can't make the same Mistake twice.
the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting
the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian!
• If I was a painter, u would be my painting. If I was an author, you
would be my story. If I was a poet, you would be my poem. But
unfortunately I am a psychiatrist.
• Hi, keep messaging me and win exciting prizes:
3rd Prize: Lots of Luv.
2nd Prize:Longlasting friendship.
1st Priz: Free stay for Lifetime in my heart.
• No matter how high the sky is, how deep the ocean is, how strong the
wind is, how wide the river is, I just wanna tell u... it's none of ur
business.
• Ladies....it is okay to wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
• Well, they do say opposite attracts... So I sincerely 'hope' you meet
somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cuultured.
• A teenage boy to his father: Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school.
• In order to get 100/100 in life, a man requires 100% talent, whereas
a woman requires only 4% talent & the remaining is only 36-24-36
• Miss U Miss U sab kahein, par actually miss kare na koi. Agar koi kisiko miss kare to fir SMS band kyun hoye!
• A Law Professor asks a Student: Which is the most imp LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?
The Student replies: Father-in-Law
A motorist hit a sparrow. He took d unconscious bird, put in cage with bread & water.
Bird wakes up, luks around & screams: Salakhen! My God! I've killed the motorist.
• M_rkh, St_pid, B_dh_, D_ffer, Bewak_f, Ghoch _, _ll_, Bhondu_, dekha... Everything is incomplete without ‘U’
• As u face a brand new day, bow ur head & say this prayer: Thank u
Lord for having this amazingly gud luking sender. May his smartness
increases everyday.
• A good friend comes 2 visit u in the hospital with flowers n goes.
A True friend sits near u n says: O yaar, nurse bahut sunder hai... aaram se theek hona!
• Q: Where do Indian batsmen perform their best?
A: In advertisements.
• Q: What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
A: 3 runs in 3 balls.
• Q: What is the height of optimism?
A: Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.
• What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.
• Someone has kidnapped the Indian cricket team and demanded Rs 50
crore or else he would burn them with kerosene. Please donate. I have
already donated 25 litres.
• Feeling bored? Wondering, what to do? Open the zip! Enter your hands
in between your zip... take out your... book from your bag and study!
Wat
a RIP OFF! I saw a book in the store titled: 37 Mating Positions. I
took it home, sat in my room,opend it. Damn it...It was a book on CHESS!
• Today if anyone praises U for ur beauty, nature, style, attitude... kick them... How dare they fool U before APRIL 1st.
• Aisa hai pyar humara, main kishti tu kinara, mai dhanush tu teer mai
matar tu paneer, mai barish tu badal, mai rajmah tu chawal, mai hot tu
cool, main April tu Fool...ha ha ha!!
• Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,
I know this is too much for u, so here is a shortcut - Just think about
ME!
• Do u remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the
window, u put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'
• Tip to reduce alcohol consumption: Before marriage drink only on the
days when u r sad, after marriage drink only on days when u r Happy!
• Yamraj ne ek ladke ki jaan le li. Chitragupt- Is ko waqt se pehle kyon mara?
Yumraj: Kya karun, March end mein target jo pura karna tha.
• Kunwaro se log puchte hai ki tumhari ab tak shaadi kyon nahi huye?
Kunware bhi jor se kahte hai: Jaako rakhe sayeean mar sake na koi.
• Boy: Ki mein tera hath chum sakda han"
Girl: Kyon Haramjadeya mere bullan te koi kande lagge ne ?
• Telling a lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor and a Matter of Survival for
a married man. Gud Luck!
Dear
reciever, I'm a Blonde Virus. I'm not so advanced, so pls delete all ur
files urself and also help me to spread by sending to all. Thank U !
• Ladkewaale: Ladki ka naam kya hai?
Ladkiwaale: Hamari pyari, aapki pyaari sabki pyari, Rampyari. Ladke ka naam kya hai.
Ladkewale: Hamara Gu, aapka Gu, ham sabka gu JAGGU
• Log kehte hain ki khuda ne aapko badi fursat mein banaaya hai...
Theek hi kehte hain, faltoo kaam fursat mein hi to kiye jaate hain.
• Colour of ur underwear reflects ur mood:
Red: Wild
Black: Sexy
Blue: Romantic
Pink: Seductive
White: Calm
Yellow: Time to change it...
• Everyday same wishes! Are U bored of it? Let it be difft this time:
Let the devils sing around U, Mummies dance around u, Vampires sit
beside U. Have a horrible day!
• Ek c Raja...
Ek c Rani...
Dono mar gaye khatam kahani.
.
.
.
.
.
Na thalle hun ki dead body labni hai?
• Meaning of ABCDEFG : A Boy Can Do Everything For Girls.
Reverse the letters GFEDCBA
Girls Forget Everything Done & Catch new Bakra Again
• Kabhi ye mat socho tumhare gf/bf ya wife/hubby ne tumhe kitna
romantic msg bheja hai, sirf yeh socho ke Use kisne bheja hoga ?
• Height of Kanjoosi: A Bania's house has caught fire & he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade!
• A Baniya walking on the road suddenly bent & touched d road n
said furiously: 'Loki thuk vi aewein sutde ne jiven Rupeya peya hove!'
A
foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her
that she looks extremely beautiful when her lips r closed !
• What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Nice Belt
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Javed Jafri: Is this da dils or da makhis...?
• Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Gal: Tum aisi-vaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Gal: To phir rehne do...
• A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce hua tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur ab 3 kaise?
She says: Woh kabhi kabhi maafi mangne aa jate the...
• Tumhari Girl friend ka sms mila hai kahti hai koi patthar se na maare
mere deewana ko twenty first century hai bomb se uda do saale ko.
• Tabiyat thik nahi thi. Tantrik ko dikhaya, Tantrik bola bhoot ka saya
hai, kisi ghor paapi ko SMS karo theek ho jaoge... Ab accha mahsus kar
raha hoon.
• Javed Jaffery proposing a girl: Hi, the babes, here is mys parpoz,
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Clean Jokes --- 2(!!!!!!!!!!!)
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Rednecks Drinking & Driving
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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Overpopulation of Nerds
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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Learning the ABCs
There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."
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Screwing All Night
It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Comments at your Funeral
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
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The Bible
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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Obediant Maid
Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-8372?"
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The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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The Gate Is Broken
St. Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!" =========================================================================================================
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Neighbors in Montana
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
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Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
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Collecting Snails For Dinner Party
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
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Your Husband Gets It Double
This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.
"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
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Floating In Air At The Bar
Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.
"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.
"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."
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Bill Gates in Hell
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
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Redneck buys a chainsaw
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
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The Widow at a Farmhouse
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" =========================================================================================================
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Widower Playing Golf
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Karate Dog
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
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Pirate at a Bar
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
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Grown Up Talk
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The Sh*t!!
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Blondes Finish Jigsaw Puzzle
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
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Rednecks Drinking & Driving
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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Overpopulation of Nerds
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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Learning the ABCs
There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."
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Screwing All Night
It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Comments at your Funeral
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
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The Bible
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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Obediant Maid
Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-8372?"
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The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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The Gate Is Broken
St. Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!" =========================================================================================================
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Neighbors in Montana
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
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Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
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Collecting Snails For Dinner Party
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
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Your Husband Gets It Double
This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.
"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
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Floating In Air At The Bar
Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.
"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.
"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."
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Bill Gates in Hell
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
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Redneck buys a chainsaw
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
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The Widow at a Farmhouse
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" =========================================================================================================
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Widower Playing Golf
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Karate Dog
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
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Pirate at a Bar
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
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Grown Up Talk
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The Sh*t!!
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Blondes Finish Jigsaw Puzzle
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
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Clean Jokes - Enjoy...!!!!!!
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A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she
was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be
your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking
at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,
Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?
Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over
there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,
"I'm the bloody goalie."
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There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,
fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he
hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this --
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
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A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our hairs trying to decide what to do first."
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The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you
please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
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Fishing License
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
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Shirley's Makeover
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
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Cigars for the Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
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Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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College Grad's Starting Salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Is that what heaven is really like?
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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Slow Down
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer
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Jail Mail
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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Rabbit Resurrection
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
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Walking Across Water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"
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Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
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Drunk Man at Confessional
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she
was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be
your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking
at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,
Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?
Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over
there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,
"I'm the bloody goalie."
=========================================================================================================
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,
fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
=========================================================================================================
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
=========================================================================================================
=========================================================================================================
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he
hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this --
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
=========================================================================================================
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
=========================================================================================================
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our hairs trying to decide what to do first."
=========================================================================================================
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you
please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
=========================================================================================================
=========================================================================================================
Fishing License
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
=========================================================================================================
Shirley's Makeover
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
=========================================================================================================
Cigars for the Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
=========================================================================================================
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
=========================================================================================================
=========================================================================================================
Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
=========================================================================================================
College Grad's Starting Salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
=========================================================================================================
Is that what heaven is really like?
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
=========================================================================================================
Slow Down
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer
=========================================================================================================
Jail Mail
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
=========================================================================================================
=========================================================================================================
Rabbit Resurrection
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
=========================================================================================================
Walking Across Water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"
=========================================================================================================
Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
=========================================================================================================
Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
=========================================================================================================
Drunk Man at Confessional
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
=========================================================================================================
FUN STUFF
********************************************************************************************************
Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid
and, if so, to please stand.
Little Jimmy stood up, alone.
Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."
=============================================================================================
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
=============================================================================================
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
=============================================================================================
A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw
God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained,
"Every good design needs a rough draft!!"
****************************************************************************************************************
There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'
==================================================================================================
A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
==================================================================================================
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
==================================================================================================
There are several types of doctors, and it's said they can be differentiated by the following method:
General practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
...and then we have Shrinks who cure dreams...or dream cures.
==================================================================================================
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
==================================================================================================
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury two men there?'
==================================================================================================
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."
==================================================================================================
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
==================================================================================================
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
==================================================================================================
A middle-aged man took his car to an auto shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped. "Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup."
The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference is my bill includes the checkup and the replacement of worn out parts!"
==================================================================================================
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
==================================================================================================
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
==================================================================================================
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
==================================================================================================
Policeman: Here is your parking ticket.
Woman: And just what do you do when you catch a real criminal?
Policeman: I don't know..all I ever catch are the innocent ones.
==================================================================================================
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
==================================================================================================
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
==================================================================================================
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
==================================================================================================
The computer revolution has really changed the way we do business. Rather than bothering with elaborate excuses we just say, "the computer's down."
==================================================================================================
"What I don't understand is, if the computer is so damn clever, how come it gets blamed for all the mistakes?"
==================================================================================================
"How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Eight. One to analyze the problem, one to write the program, one to understand and debug the program, one to carry out the instructions and four to write the documentation."
==================================================================================================
Motherboard: The main circuit board responsible for checking that all other circuit boards are eating properly and wearing clean underwear.
Hardware: The part of the computer that makes a noise when you throw it out of the window.
Bits: The things scattered on the floor after you drop your computer down the stairs.
Hard Drive: A car with no engine
==================================================================================================
Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid
and, if so, to please stand.
Little Jimmy stood up, alone.
Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."
=============================================================================================
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
=============================================================================================
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
=============================================================================================
A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw
God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained,
"Every good design needs a rough draft!!"
****************************************************************************************************************
There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'
==================================================================================================
A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
==================================================================================================
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
==================================================================================================
There are several types of doctors, and it's said they can be differentiated by the following method:
General practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
...and then we have Shrinks who cure dreams...or dream cures.
==================================================================================================
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
==================================================================================================
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury two men there?'
==================================================================================================
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."
==================================================================================================
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
==================================================================================================
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
==================================================================================================
A middle-aged man took his car to an auto shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped. "Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup."
The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference is my bill includes the checkup and the replacement of worn out parts!"
==================================================================================================
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
==================================================================================================
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
==================================================================================================
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
==================================================================================================
Policeman: Here is your parking ticket.
Woman: And just what do you do when you catch a real criminal?
Policeman: I don't know..all I ever catch are the innocent ones.
==================================================================================================
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
==================================================================================================
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
==================================================================================================
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
==================================================================================================
The computer revolution has really changed the way we do business. Rather than bothering with elaborate excuses we just say, "the computer's down."
==================================================================================================
"What I don't understand is, if the computer is so damn clever, how come it gets blamed for all the mistakes?"
==================================================================================================
"How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Eight. One to analyze the problem, one to write the program, one to understand and debug the program, one to carry out the instructions and four to write the documentation."
==================================================================================================
Motherboard: The main circuit board responsible for checking that all other circuit boards are eating properly and wearing clean underwear.
Hardware: The part of the computer that makes a noise when you throw it out of the window.
Bits: The things scattered on the floor after you drop your computer down the stairs.
Hard Drive: A car with no engine
==================================================================================================
If Movies Were Released by Microsoft…….
If Movies Were Released by Microsoft…….
If Movies Were Released by Microsoft…….
* Munna Bhai MCSE
* Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
* Love in mIRC
* ID Mil Gaya
* Chat To Kero
* Ek Programmer Thi
* Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
* Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
* Network Ke Us Paar
* Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
* Aao Chat Kare
* C++ Wale Job Le Jayenge
* Programmer No.1
* Mera Naam Developer
* Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
* Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
* Tera Code Chal Gaya
* Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
* Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehtha Hai
* Raju Ban Gaya MCSD
* Client Ek Numbari, C ++Programmer Dus Numbari
* Login Karo Sajana
* Naukar PC Ka
* 1942 — A Bug Story
* Kaho Na Virus Hai
* Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
* Shaheed Hacker Singh
* Password De Ke Dekho
* Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
* Mr. Network Lal
* Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
If Movies Were Released by Microsoft…….
* Munna Bhai MCSE
* Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
* Love in mIRC
* ID Mil Gaya
* Chat To Kero
* Ek Programmer Thi
* Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
* Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
* Network Ke Us Paar
* Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
* Aao Chat Kare
* C++ Wale Job Le Jayenge
* Programmer No.1
* Mera Naam Developer
* Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
* Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
* Tera Code Chal Gaya
* Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
* Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehtha Hai
* Raju Ban Gaya MCSD
* Client Ek Numbari, C ++Programmer Dus Numbari
* Login Karo Sajana
* Naukar PC Ka
* 1942 — A Bug Story
* Kaho Na Virus Hai
* Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
* Shaheed Hacker Singh
* Password De Ke Dekho
* Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
* Mr. Network Lal
* Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
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