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A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she
was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be
your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking
at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,
Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?
Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over
there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,
"I'm the bloody goalie."
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There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,
fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he
hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this --
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
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A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our hairs trying to decide what to do first."
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The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you
please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."
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Fishing License
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
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Shirley's Makeover
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
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Cigars for the Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
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Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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College Grad's Starting Salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Is that what heaven is really like?
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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Slow Down
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer
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Jail Mail
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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Rabbit Resurrection
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
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Walking Across Water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"
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Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
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Drunk Man at Confessional
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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